Podcast Episode 22:  Patricia Stark

Alison: Okay, here we are, Jean…It’s going!

Jean: Oh, it’s going?? Excellent. Okay.

Alison: I did it. I did it.

Jean: I never know with you.. Because you’re sneaky.

Alison: Am I sneaky? It’s always recording.

Jean: well because you love this stuff…you love the chit chat before we really start.

Alison: I do, I could chat and talk to you always.

Jean: The bloopers.

Alison: That’s right. The blooper reel. We have a famous one that we’re not going to talk about. Um Okay. So today you talked to Patricia Stark.

Jean: Yes. And this was the one and only interview that I did without you.

Alison: Yes. I think I was shooting or something. Had an audition.

Jean: Something fabulous was happening in your life that that you missed it because it had to have been really fabulous because she was amazing.

Alison: Yeah, she is. I listened to it after you did it, and it is amazing. So how was it for you to do it alone?

Jean: All right, Seriously, Allison, I did not enjoy it. I felt, I felt really self-conscious. And I think I do in general, talking to all these amazing people. I think I’m not schooled like you are as an actress, but I found myself even more self conscious and I didn’t enjoy it… Until like towards the end there where I could really relax. And I have to say, I think Patricia was really holding the interview in the beginning, just her being so present and probably feeling, feeling that I was like… I hope I’m okay and maybe trying too hard. And I think she, she just really helped me get softer and open up more to her. So but hands down, this was a very beautiful interview.

Alison: Yes. She’s she’s amazing. And I can’t wait to hear it. Are you ready? 

Jean: I am.

Alison: Let’s let’s do it.

Jean: Well, we we’re we’re going to have a great time together. It’s just you and me. My partner in InsideWink is she’s actually on an on a, um. She’s doing something for a soap opera. So, So it’s you and me. And, And I thought that was so interesting because out of the two of us, Allison and myself, she’s she’s got the more confidence and, and I thought, here I am… with you, ,he beautiful queen of communications and. and what else can I say? I’m just, I actually feel like I invited Julia Child to dinner and it’s like, oh, my gosh, I’m cooking for, you know,… 

Patricia: Well, please don’t… You will quickly find that I am really, you know, as vulnerable and have as much baggage and crazy ups and downs and days where I really desperately need to practice everything that’s in that book. And one of yesterday was a perfect example of that. I’m juggling. My 88 year old mom has been in out of the hospital. She’s not well. My son is in school his first year away at college. You know, business has been weird because of the pandemic. 

Patricia: So, you know, I like to always tell even my clients and students that, you know, I’m living this every day. It’s still a struggle for all of us. And it’s what we all have in common as humans is to have this, you know, weaving in and out of sometimes we feel strong and empowered and other times we feel like a failure or we feel like we’re just so discouraged or whatever it may be. And it’s I think it’s a constant evolution throughout our life. 

Jean: I couldn’t agree more. And and I think, Patricia, the first thing out the gate is, when I heard about this book, “Oh, and I love it.” I’ve already owned it because it’s all highlighted. And I have to tell you, that I usually start at the end of the book and I read your epilogue and I had tears because I, I felt like your dad. I feel that I’m the one that champions others- My children, even my my late husband. You know, telling them, “you’re so great.” You can do it, you know, and yet I don’t feel all the time confident. I get more nervous within me. I can even feel now, talking, waiting for you,.. I can feel my heart. And I thought, okay, you know… Um, besides eating bananas and celery and, you know, all the beautiful tips you give.. But I think, what I want our conversation to be about is that you can learn this, you can strengthen this confidence muscle. 

Jean: But going back to your dad, can you talk, And not so much your dad, and I know our readers will enjoy that part because, it’s such a special tribute. So share with us a little bit about your childhood. What made you the stunning person you are today? Just I know that’s a lot…. 

Patricia: Okay so, I was the youngest of four kids. We lived in just a regular, you know, middle class or even less family home setting. My father worked in a shoe store. My mom worked in a factory. There wasn’t a lot of money. Um, my sister got married and had a family at 18. Very young. She’s ten years older than me. My two brothers went into the Navy. My father, you know, had been in the Marines. And when he came back, he went into NYU and he studied, but he never had a lot of confidence. He was married to my mom at a young age, and he ended up, you know, not graduating. I think he was just a few credits shy of not graduating. And she was having a lot of anxiety and OCD issues and things like that. And he wanted to go take care and be with her. And he didn’t want to be working during the day and going to school at night. But unfortunately, that always led him to feel less than that. 

Patricia: He didn’t get that college education that he didn’t finish, and he just always struggled in jobs because he didn’t really speak up for himself. But he was a wonderful father and he would always try to encourage me and build me up. But, you know, it wasn’t wasn’t it wasn’t a tough growing up, but we didn’t have like any extra special spangles and bells or anything like that. And, you know, it just I think being the youngest, I went through my own struggles. I was a bedwetter. I wet my bed until I was in the fifth grade and I’d show up at school feeling like everybody was going to know my my situation. And I always felt bad about myself going into middle school. I just was very shy and introverted because of that, I think. And, you know, it just kind of went my way through middle school and high school like that.. Came out of my shell a little bit, but then started dating somebody that I couldn’t believe liked me. And then because I had that attitude that, Wow, what does he like about me? He kind of walked all over me and didn’t really do much to build up my self esteem and took advantage of the fact that I was somebody that was introverted and didn’t have a lot of self esteem. So I think it was really more in college as I started to come out of that shell and look at friends and, you know, nobody told me to go to college. 

Patricia: Everybody was just like, okay, you know, this end of high school just wasn’t a thing. But I saw my friends going. So I went and I applied to a local college where we are and just, you know, worked my way through the four years there and paid off my loans in like ten years, you know, whatever I had to do to make it work. And, you know, when I was in college, I discovered some of the public speaking and media classes and it was like a light bulb went off. It scared the heck out of me. But something about it that I really liked. And by working through all of that and trying to find my voice, even though it might have been badly stumbling through all that, I started to believe in myself and get more confident. And then when I graduated and wanted to work in the media, you know, I had no choice but to start to hear no and not take it personally. And, you know, I’m trying to give you the quick overview here, but it certainly was a very long process of going from very introverted, not wanting to raise my hand, not wanting to walk up to the lunch line or, you know, feeling that way throughout most of school to then really overcompensating and developing a career in communications. 

Jean: Yeah. And I think it’s important for people to know that you were just not blessed with this. Yeah, I’ve always been confident and, you know, so I think that makes it so relative. And, um, so you wrote this amazing book that I really think this is a book about love because it, it all for me… I mean, yes, you do talk about the outside and that’s important as well, but I think it boils down to that trust that you talk about and developing that. And um, okay, so you give the readers so many amazing tips- writing and, and actual practical things and you break up your book into four wonderful segments. So let’s jump into to the first, right, Everyday Calmfidence. What does that mean to you? 

Patricia: Yea well, I wanted to put the book into four separate parts because, I wanted it to be easy to digest, but I also wanted people to realize that it was kind of a hybrid book between personal growth and could be also for professional development. And the baseline of all of that, I felt, was this sense of everyday confidence. How do you find your calm and confidence just on a daily basis? What is your state of confidence when you wake up in the morning? Are we waking up with a sense of dread or are we waking up with anxiety or are we feeling overwhelmed? You know, it’s almost like when you wake up after you break up with somebody or you have a bad dream or are we are we waking up in that state in the morning and then going right to our phone and getting inundated by emails and the bad news of the day or whatever it is, or what are we doing to control that state of calm and confidence every morning? Is our day running us or are we running our day? And I talk about this in what are some typical confidence killers and what are some typical confidence boosters that I either experienced myself or that I would hear over and over again from clients and students? And then I outlined certain self care attributes that either contribute or take away.

Patricia: And they weren’t just your your regular ones that we hear all the time about, oh, you know, eat better and exercise and sleep better. Sure, those are all important. But I wanted to delve even deeper into things like mindfulness and meditation and, you know, what price are we putting on things every day, whether it’s a situation or our life in general? Like what price tag are we actually putting on things that could be making us get more anxiety and stress than maybe is even warranted? And where does worry and procrastination and all of those things come into play? So I really wanted to identify right out of the gate what are things that boost our confidence for us on a day to day basis, whether we’re dealing with home life or work life? And then what are those typical killers and those pitfalls that we all can fall into? And then again, what were some of those self care? And I felt it was important to have that every day confidence as the base, as as the foundation, because it doesn’t matter what we’re doing. 

Patricia: We could be, you know, a stay at home mom. We could be a solopreneur. We could be working for a big company, going out there to the world, whatever it is, that baseline of who we are as a person, when we’re by ourselves, in our minds, with ourselves and in our room alone, what are we doing in that common confidence area that’s making us show up as a human being no matter what else happens the rest of that day?

 Jean: Right. Right. And I love your two things. I love when you talked about focus, like what are you focusing on? And also, if you can speak a little bit about being focused in general, because even if you go to the gym and you see someone lifting weights and they’re very focused or you see someone kind of distracted looking at another person, you know, right away you’re you sort of assess that person that’s distracted, isn’t as confident as the person that’s focused on their work. Yeah, do you notice that?

Patricia: Yes. When you know that somebody is very determined, very single, focused, there is a certain sense of determination. You know, they’re on a goal, they’re on a mission or they’re kind of have a certain level of a personal standard to where they’re like, you know what.. I’m not going to let anything else get in my way or distract me. I’m going to reach my goal or I’m going to do what I have to do to get the job done so that nothing derails me. And, you know, having a career in media and communications over the years, I mean, I am very, very cognizant of the fact that there is so many things vying for our eyeballs, vying for our attention. Look here. Look at that breaking news. Everything is that nowadays and is trying to fight for our eyeballs because we are inundated now with content between, you know, when when I first grew up, there were a limited number of channels on TV. Now it’s endless. And now the Internet is endless. You know, we can we can be distracted all day long on social media, whatever it may be. But most of the things that I’ve seen that people achieve, it’s behind closed doors, in quiet, in in their mind with themselves really tuning out all the noise and saying, what’s my priority here? What’s really important to me? And what am I going to give my full attention to? And that could be a person, that could be a goal, that could be self care, that could be being kind to yourself and not letting all of those other things that tell us otherwise get in the way.

 Jean: Right. I think that’s why I think of your book as a self love book, you know, because it starts- that all starts with with yourself, you know. Okay. So the second section, Resilient Calmfidence. And I wrote down here because I love this…find your calm during setbacks. Yes. Yeah. I think we so need that now. So can you speak to that? Finding your calm when you have a setback?

 Patricia: Yeah. I think when we have a setback, whether it is a perceived failure or a disappointment or a tragedy or anything like that, we seem to think that we need to do something to make it better or we should or shouldn’t be feeling a certain way. We want to define it based on what we’ve seen other people go through or what we think we’re supposed to be feeling or doing, just based on how we’ve grown up, how we perceive the world or how we perceive what is strength and what is resilience or grit or things like that. And I think it’s so different for everybody. But it comes back to what you just said earlier is, self love and kindness and knowing when you need to just do nothing, when you need to retreat so that you can not even feel like you have to be anyway, just be. 

Speaker1: And we’re all so conditioned to know, I got to do this, I got to move on. Or I got, you know, there’s so much everybody wants to give us advice. Everybody wants to try to make it better, fix things and help us through things. And, you know, this is probably even beyond my wheelhouse as far as, you know, a psychologist being able to describe this better. But what I do know, working in positive psychology with all of my clients and even myself over the years, is that to be able to cut ourselves some slack and take a break from anything? I was speaking to a mentor of mine who is a psychologist one time and he said, What makes you think that you have to be happy or sad? Maybe just neutral is okay sometimes just not feeling anything or just taking a break or just going through the motions and just sitting with emotions and letting whatever is going to be, be.. Before you try to take action or try to fix it or make it better. And, you know, I try to give examples of ways that we can pull back and stop thinking what we should be doing and just allow ourselves to take that break, and be kind and not have any preconceived notions of what’s right or what’s wrong or what we should be or shouldn’t be doing.

Jean: That is so liberating. And it’s really giving ourselves a break and, Okay, so thank you for that. And there’s lots more goodness in that in your book. Okay, now Communication Calmfidence, which is great as well..please speak of that.

 Patricia: Well, this is obviously the, a big part of my work. I work as a public speaking trainer and a coach for media and interview skills and you name it, all kinds of communication skills and body language. And when I set out to write the book, I was like, you know, this is initially I thought it was going to be a book for people that were going to be public speakers or in the media and the public eye. And then I thought to myself, no, I mean, this is this is everybody that all the world’s a stage. We’re all public speaking. We’re all communicating unless we’re sitting in a room by ourselves, speaking to ourselves alone. Right? All our interpersonal skills, all speaking is public speaking. And it really all starts from that inner voice of what are we saying to ourselves about any situation? What are we visualizing? What are we, you know, are we thinking, worst case scenario, I’m going to fall on my face and not remember something If I have to give this speech or if I have to appear in front of the camera or on Zoom or am I going to look bad, Am I going to sound bad? I’m not going to get this job or they’re not going to like me, am I not enough? There’s so much of this inner voice and this inner dialogue that influences all of our interpersonal skills, all of our communication skills.

 Patricia: And I love that your take on this whole book was self Love, because I didn’t even realize that until you just said that from seeing it from your perspective. Because now, once again, I’m going to I see myself going back to it comes down to us speaking to ourselves better. And I talk about in the book we all have the inner critic, but we also have the inner coach. And the inner critic is just a scared child. It’s scared. It’s us trying to protect us. A primitive place in the back of our mind, thinking what is the worst thing that could happen and how can I protect myself? How can I prevent myself from feeling pain or feeling rejection or feeling less than? But then we also, as we grow with wisdom and into a mature adult, we can and we can even do this as a child if we are taught to do this, is to be our inner coach. How are we going to talk to ourselves the way that we would if we were helping a friend that we really cared about, get through something or believe in themselves or encourage them? And those two voices can’t exist simultaneously.

Patricia: Your inner critic can’t talk to you if you’re saying, Nope, you know what? It’s time for you to go back in the corner. I’ll deal with you later. But right now you can do this. You’ve got this. You’ve earned the right to be here. You have as much reason to ask for this as anybody else. And when we talk to ourselves in that way and we start to envision what we want to have happen rather than worrying about all that could go wrong or what we don’t want to have happen, then we are now taking charge. We are being the boss of our brain and we’re taking action and what we can control. And it really does make a big difference when we realize that we don’t… and it goes back to what you’re saying is what we focus on. We can focus on what could go wrong, what we what we our lack and limitation is, or we can focus on what can go right here, what could actually what good could really go here? I could really nail this interview. I could really do a great job in this phone call or this zoom. I could really do a wonderful job on this date or this first time meeting this person. And if I visualize now on top of that self-talk, how I really would love to see it going rather than letting the inner critic do its job more, more than likely, those two can each be self fulfilling prophecy. But now we’ve made it go to the positive end of the spectrum rather than the negative end.

 Jean: And it’s also taking responsibility for thinking and I have not achieved that. I mean, sometimes I say to myself, Jean, Okay, dial it back. You don’t need to worry, you know.. I’ll assess it and try to be my own my own best friend. But that’s after a lot of self-help books, a lot of listening to, you know, someone like you. And wouldn’t it be so great if we could raise our children with that, I missed the boat with that. My children are late 20s and early 30s. In retrospect, would have liked if they didn’t do well, you know, at a baseball game and sat down and said, Matthew, so what are you telling yourself this evening? You know, and um, so I’ll give him your book..

 Patricia: But you’re right. It’s so important. And I think that my dad was good at that, even though he wasn’t good at doing it for himself, when I was. And he would help me at different times to try to believe in myself. And I was definitely a student of self-help and personal development books throughout my journey and audio books and devoured as many as I could. And I still have so many of them in my bookcase to remind me.

 Patricia: And like you said, I dogear the underlying them just really test them completely. But it is very true. And I want my next book is going to be for teens and for young adults because I think it’s so important to to start from there. And I was being interviewed about the book the other day and someone said something about my son, and he’s 18 now. And I said, you know, all along the way, whenever anything would happen, the first thing I would say to him, his name is Logan. I would be like, Do you like Logan? And he’d be like, Yeah. And if the answer was yes, I knew no matter what was going on, he was going to be okay. Because if you can have that self compassion and that self care and that self love and be taught that that’s a good thing and doesn’t mean it’s in an arrogant way or in a conceited way or anything like that. But if you can really like yourself and be taught to value yourself and know, and then when I go and speak at young groups or whether it’s high school or college, I’ll always say to them, No one has this fingerprint or your DNA, nobody else. So when you compare and despair and you think that you’re not this or not that, no one can touch the world the way that you can with this fingerprint because nobody else has it.

 Patricia: And that is enough because it’s unique and it’s crazy to compare apples to oranges. So if at the very foundation that calm and confidence does, is it makes you trust yourself or helps you, I should say, if it helps you to trust yourself by finding your calm and taking an inventory of how you’ve earned the right to feel confidence and you’ve done your homework and you’ve taken that personal responsibility and you know that, then it’s easy to like yourself. Then it’s easy to say, Well, you know what? Then it wasn’t meant to be this time. Or maybe there’s something better when a disappointment happens to learn to say there’s a better plan here or a bigger plan. Or maybe I’ll learn later why this wasn’t right for me. But I am going to believe that one one door is closed, another window or another door opens. And for me personally, I’ve always been a person of a very strong faith and that has been huge foundational thing for me to, you know, come from that perspective. But to be able to trust yourself and like yourself, those two things together really can help you get through almost anything.

Jean: I couldn’t agree more 100%. And and you you give us such great tools and, um, so thank you for that. And I will. You know, I love that you said you ask your son, Logan, do you like yourself? It’s beautiful.

Patricia: Thank you.

 Jean: Okay, so your last section is on Natural Calmfidence. Which is so great, Patricia. You give so many wonderful tips. So, I know what mine are- lavender… And I do feel better eating bananas, and I didn’t know why, but now I do. And so, what do you, what do you like? What are your natural remedies? If you’re going into something that you’re like, oh, I need a little extra zhuzh?

 Patricia: Well, I always have been somebody that was very into natural remedies and natural foods and not wanting to do anything that was drug related, if I could avoid it. And, you know, my son was all organic his first three years of his life, I was always into organic food and just trying things and very open minded about things. And I loved learning about that and utilize lavender when I was pregnant with him. And then, you know, knowing that I like these little secrets of nature. And I’ve always been intrigued when you’ll hear that some new remedy or something from nature, like solve some illness or cured some disease. And I love those movies where there’s something like that happening. And I know people love to, you know, to have that magic of nature and something up your sleeve that is non-habit forming or that can help you. So when I start, I have my things that I like. But when I started writing the book, I obviously did more research and wanted to find out as many as I could.

Patricia: So Lemon Balm was introduced to me several years ago. A friend of mine, her sister was going through cancer treatments and she was getting a lot of anxiety dealing with it. And her doctor said, you know, you should try this lemon balm. It’s kind of like a natural Xanax, but it’s not habit forming. It’s all natural. And you just put it on your tongue like echinacea and you drip it in there. And I tried it and it really kind of took that edge off. And, you know, it made me feel calm, but not like, out of it. If I had had a glass of wine or took something else and I started sharing with my clients and students and I got so much great feedback from so many people that I was like, okay, this isn’t just me….there’s really something here. And then working in the media and working late nights and sometimes overnights, I started noticing a lot of people were either snacking on dried cherries or we’re putting cherries into smoothies and things and learned that they were a natural source of melatonin. And then when I was working at the film center building, doing my coaching and training, I had a lot of people on Broadway that wanted to try to transition to become like a TV host or an entertainment reporter. And I would talk to them about how do you control your nerves coming out on stage on Broadway? And and they were all eating bananas backstage.

 Patricia: And I was like, what is this with the bananas? Tell me about this. And they’re like, well, it’s a natural muscle relaxers and there’s tryptophan in there. And so then I started carrying bananas and dried cherries, and I just started accumulating these good habits over the years. And celery, I like food and natural snacks on the go, so that I’m not eating junk food. I learned about so many things with celery, how it calms your stomach and the appetite. I think it’s called Epogen, if I’m pronouncing it right, has calming effects and hydrating effects and helps with that coated tongue we get when we’re nervous and we’re feeling dehydrated. So, so many things like that that I just I love. And then the mindset exercises that are in there that I’ve learned over the years. So I would say that, that’s kind of my arsenal before I’m going to go into something that I feel like is out of my comfort zone and it’s new and I’m expanding who I thought I could be and, you know, having the imposter syndrome happen or whatever it could be, I will definitely do the lemon balm. I will do meditation, I will do mindfulness leading into it. I will visualize what I want to have happen. I will see myself succeeding.

Patricia: I talk about this snow globe technique that one of my clients who had written a book about meditation shared with me many years ago and just watch the snow and the snow globe with my eyes closed, watch it settle, see that clarity of mind, and then really visualize all the good only that I want to have happen. And even when I’ve been live on the air, even when something unexpected happened, if I did this even just for 30s before I went into that situation, I can’t control things going wrong, but I handled them better. I just trusted myself. They might not have been perfect and they might not have been my vision of how exactly I wanted it to go. But I didn’t run out of the room screaming, yelling fire or throwing the towel and give up on myself. I handled it so much better.

Jean: I love that. Yeah, that snow globe technique that, you know, you have it in your book. And I thought, that’s so true. It’s like all those thoughts and just letting it..giving it time to calm down. It’s like you have to just not run with it. You have the awareness that, okay, my mind is, is like a fireworks. It’s like a snow globe that’s highly shaken. And I’m going to now give myself five, you know, or not even five minutes, two minutes to just sit and let it all calm down.

 Patricia: Yea, Because when you change your mindset and what you’re deciding you’re going to focus on, you’re going to change your physiology. You’re going to control your heart rate, your blood pressure down. You’re going to get your you’re going to get control of your breathing, which is so important. And I had gotten a certificate in guided visual imagery. And one of the things that I will do with this also is,As I’m I take the breath, but as I’m releasing the breath, I’m literally either saying words, I’m pushing words out that I want to get rid of, or I’m seeing things that are negative or that I’m worrying about or that I’m seeing myself failing. And I’m actually going to push that and visualize that coming out and pushing that breath out and sometimes even taking that snow that has settled and physically seeing that come out out of me, all the things I don’t want to have happen, all the bad images, the bad words, everything. And excising them through my breath, through my mind, through my body and getting it out. And that in itself, either it gets you so distracted that you’re no longer worrying about what you’re thinking about or really is something to this. I mean, we’ve all heard about these stories where I read something years ago about a child that had a tumor and used to play video games in his mind and pretend that these little spaceships were shooting at the tumor.And then, lo and behold, when they checked it, the tumor was gone. And that that that can always happen. But there must be something to that.

Jean: I couldn’t agree with you more. I don’t know how that happens, but I believe it can. I think there’s been enough scientific data that when you use your mind in a conscious, directive, on purpose way – that you change your reality because you’re changing your vibration. And that’s what you’re giving out gets reflected back.

Patricia: 100% because we you say vibration and some people may think this sounds like New Age or whatever, but being on frequencies, we know, you know, when you’re in a certain frequency or a certain vibe, everything either seems to be going your way that day or it’s not. And there’s different times where subconsciously I’m needing a break and then I wonder why things quiet down. And I’m like, Well, wait, where is everybody? Why isn’t this person calling? Or why isn’t this person getting back to me? And then I do this state of confidence kind of check, and I say, Oh, you asked for this. You kind of realized you needed a break subconsciously. And now why this is happening. And, you know, to to realize when we get in and out of these different frequencies because, you know, the brain really does send out energy. We we know it.

 Patricia: I mean, this is what I think so much many of us have been missing through Zoom and things like that is that, yes, we’ve built relationships. Yes, we’ve stayed connected. But that life force, that energy we feel from each other when we’re really in person with each other, nothing can duplicate that. And that’s that vibration and that energy that we either get in sync with people or not. And and I think that when we send ideas and thoughts and feelings out there getting involved in in lining up with things, I think that’s why it’s so important to watch what’s going on around us. And I like to compare it to, you know, a boat, a boat will float in turbulent seas as long as it’s all closed off and none of the water can get in. Right? So that’s what’s happening when we’re trying to go through about our day. And there’s negative news, there’s bad things happening. There’s people telling us that, you know, focus on being sick and unhealthy or there’s people saying, I’m miserable and these people are terrible people over here and the world is going to this and everything. If we carry that all around, it’s going to make us ill. It’s going to make us sick. And it’s not saying that we should bury our head in in the sand, but we need to not. We can be informed but not inundated. And we need to be able to take that time to just do our own inside work where we work on our own mental health, our own physical health, our own well-being and balance in our minds.

Patricia: But so often we’re all so busy and overbooked and letting everything get the best of us that we don’t give ourselves moments of silence to do that, to just be alone with ourselves. Because when especially when you’re going through something, sometimes it’s scary to be alone. You want the distractions. You don’t want to do that work that’s so important. But that’s where the work happens, is when you’re alone by yourself, with your own mind. 

Jean: That is where the rubber hits the road. Yeah, it’s so true. So, tell me about gratitude, because you exude gratitude. All the beautiful qualities of just beauty and gratitude and clarity. And so, but I know you championed gratitude. Do you keep a gratitude journal? 

Patricia: I do. 

Jean: Or you just generally… like a a glass full, you know, an optimistic person. 

Patricia: I try to be, believe me. And I have my good days and bad days and I have my struggles and my ups and downs and discouragement and doubts and fears just like everybody else. Obviously, I’m human. That’s what we all share in common. And I do write down things I’m grateful for. And I do have a vision board of things that I want to have happen and things that I’m grateful that have happened. 

Patricia: But it’s also in the way I speak to myself with that inner coach and it’s reminders and things that pop up to remember, to say thank you for things. And I forget who it was, but it was some personal or professional development author that I was either listening to or reading that said, you know, thank for things that you want to have happen. Yeah, more likely to happen. Thank in advance. Thank ahead of time. And it’s been really creepy sometimes how well this works because, it gets you in a positive framework. It gets you in a belief that anything is possible and that it is possible for you and that you’re not coming from that lack and limitation and that worry and that hope or I hope I get this or Oh, please. Like you’re pleading or begging, you know, whether you’re someone who is a, you know, a spiritual person or just a person that’s, you know, focuses on spirituality or your belief in God. Like it’s all, it’s all what you want it to be. But by thanking ahead of time, I have found it to be incredibly effective and and just having gratitude for basic things like realizing when we take things for granted that other people might not have so easy. And then, you know, I think that I you’ve read that I talked about two women that I knew throughout my life that died at very young ages. 

Patricia: And, you know, as a woman now in my 50s and you reassess things, you wonder, should a woulda coulda? Sometimes you think about different goals. You you know, you look back and you try to remind yourself, well, don’t look back. Keep looking forward on things. When I’ve had my lowest moments, where I start to have those doubts and I start to get down on myself or I start to have discouraging thoughts, it is the strangest thing that one of them just out of nowhere pops into my head and I literally hear them say, “Get over yourself, you still get to be there.” So no matter what’s wrong or what’s… 

Jean: oh, I just got chills. 

Patricia: Right? And I do too. And and it’s so strange when this happens because I’m not even thinking about it. It’s not like I’m summoning it or trying to remind myself of it. It happens at the most inopportune times when I am down in the dumps and I’m not even thinking in this direction and all of a sudden I’m like, Oh my gosh. Like just at the very least, to be grateful to have this day. Yeah, enormous. When there are think of all the people that have achieved really great things that we think were so spectacular and creative and wonderful and monumental and have done all things, but their time is now done and they don’t get to continue that. 

Patricia: But no matter where we’re at, we still get to grow and work toward goals and try to create more things. And just that’s our baseline of what we’re grateful for. And if on top of that, what we do can help others and be of service and give value in some way, like that’s what I have to come back to in my toughest times. 

Jean: Yeah. Just so you know, I heard of you from Sounds True. You had an interview and with Tammy Simon.. And so, I was in bed and I thought, Oh, calmfidence. I Love that word.. And then I’m listening to your voice, and I said to myself, Wow, this woman has a beautiful voice. And then I thought, um… You know, calmfidence is what I always felt Alex had. He had that, you know. He had been doing this show for a long time, but even when he would walk through like Home Depot. He would just walk through- like in your book, like a man on a mission, like he walked through focused on batteries. Not looking up in the sky for batteries? And you you write that in your book- body language is important. And I heard you say that, and I said, wow, it would be so great to get you on insidewink. laughing… 

Patricia: Well, I agree that he exuded and was the epitome of calmfidence, because it also is, it’s just it’s an elegance and it’s not, um. cocky thing or an arrogant thing. It is such a class act type of sense of I’ve got this and I’ve always found that the most confident people wanted to share and build others up as well. And you could see he had that kind of I mean, obviously I don’t didn’t know him personally, but I felt that he was somebody that would never knock people down to build himself up. He seemed like he was always trying to help others, you know, rise up. And most of the people that I’ve met in my life that had true confidence always were people who built others up and made them feel like they could be at their best. And and I you know, my sincerest condolences to you on his passing. Um, you know, after I was after they reached out to me, I wanted to learn a little bit about you. And I learned about your relationship. And you guys, like, you’re such a wonderful, a wonderful thing together. So my heart is with you…I’m sorry. 

Jean: Thanks…Thank you so much. Well, I love talking with you. Your passion about calmfidence has ignited my passion for calmfidence. And, um. Is there anything that you want to leave our listeners with? Either a tip or a tool or something that you’re working on that you want to share? 

Patricia: Yeah. 

Jean: What would you like to leave us with, Patricia? 

Patricia: I think a final thought that I would like to leave everyone with is to, for me, and I think it’s the key to a lot of things, is to always have a growth mindset. One of the things that gave me my calm and confidence throughout my life and continues to, is to be able to be kind and know that we are always a work in progress, that we can always keep getting better. We can keep learning, that can happen as long as we want it to. And that means we can keep getting better, we can keep improving, we can keep getting more wisdom, we can keep liking ourselves more and doing good and aiming to do good and to know that when growth happens, it isn’t always comfortable. It can be awkward, it can be painful… that’s why they’re called growing pains. It can be very uncomfortable. And if we know when we’re starting to feel that way, that we don’t run from it, but that we say, Oh man, I’m going through a tough time right now, or I’m feeling really awkward, I’m feeling doubtful, I’m feeling like I’m an imposter. I’m feeling like this… now when that happens to me, the first thought that comes to me is, Oh my gosh, I think I’m growing again. 

Jean: Yeah. 

Patricia: That to me has given me so much room for, being human and letting that be okay and not getting caught up in I have to be something perfect or I have to be something…fill in the blank. I can just be and continue to keep evolving and know that it ain’t always pretty. But sometimes it’s about getting comfortable being uncomfortable. And then, it’s really hard for people to derail you on anything when you can be comfortable being uncomfortable. 

Jean: Yeah, that’s so true. And that’s life. It’s not always, smooth and velvety and tulips and… you know sugar, it’s bittersweet. But with the tools that you’ve given us, your beautiful words and sharing your heart with so many and I will champion it as much as I can. Patricia, I thank you so much. This this is definitely in my library (holding book) and I love the cover. I love this. The whole thing, the whole enchilada. hahah 

Patricia: They asked me to look at covers of books that I love that inspired me and my reason behind it. And that kind of was a a mesh of all of those. 

Jean: But it’s stunning. It’s stunning. 

Patricia: Thank you so much. And thank you so much for having me. Thank you for the work that you do and everything that you’re doing to help others and, you know, being who you are and just the privilege of being able to be here with you and together trying to reach others to help them and be of service to them and help them believe in themselves. I can’t thank you enough for that gift. 

Alison: Jean, you did a great job. I don’t think anyone would ever know that, you see? Isn’t that funny? I don’t think anyone would know the feelings that you were having. I don’t think, I don’t think Patricia Stark knew. I mean, you know, I think it was a great interview. You did a great job. You seemed very calm and confident. 

Jean: Okay. Well, those two qualities – calm, calmness and confidence are those are two qualities that I feel I, I want to strengthen. And she says at the end there, if you trust yourself and like yourself, you know, that is a winning formula to help you navigate life. 

Alison: And she said so many amazing things that I could really take with me. Like the two voices. One can talk when the other one is. So vote for the good guy, like vote for the guy that’s giving you good karma, you know, the voice in your head. And I love where she says, we’re all a work in progress. 

Jean: Right? I mean, that is just taking ourselves off the hook of that, that inner critic. And I love that too. 

Alison: Right. So that was I thought that was great because I could be a finger, a finger painting. Work in progress. Exactly. 

Jean: Yeah, right. Great. I’m just a big ball of clay, right? 

Alison: That’s right. I think you’re. I think you’re a cake in progress. 

Jean: Okay, I’ll take that. 

Alison: You will? You’re a good baker. All right, well, that was it. Thank you so much for listening. 

Jean: And have a great day. And treat yourself to this to this book. 

Alison: Or ice cream. 

Jean: Right? Or ice cream with brownies. 

Alison: That’s right. Stay calm and confident.