In the last of Anne Cochran’s 10 part series she asks us, the parents, a very important question:

What in the world happened to those well-meaning, principled folks who parented most of us? 

After spending enough years in school leadership to intuit behavioral patterns, the one that is signaling a cultural shift as time passes is that parents generally appear to be afraid of their own teenagers. Also, they’ll give anything to garner their kids’ stamp of approval as a “cool person.”

As far as it goes in terms of drawing certain lines in the sand, well, the ickier parts of the job tend to be quickly passed over to others (like school officials?), as in a game of Hot Potato while the parents at once do a 180 on the targeted educators and join forces with their kids.

What does this societal change in mindset have to do with college? Everything. How can a kid make it through tough times that will surely present themselves in the higher-ed years if daily reality at home — which is each person’s key preparation ground no matter what they say about school — is one that seems to have little to do with responsibility, accountability, and yes, even that out-of-style attribute — morality? Schools are supposed to educate. Parents are supposed to parent kids. 

5 Different Parent Stereotypes We Encounter

Parent Type #1: Creating a “Safe house”

Parent Type #2: Making Excuses

Parent Type #3: Asking For the Grade

There is a stereotypically well-intentioned parent type who materializes each year who gradually and constantly chips away at school administration to the point where it’s crystal clear he just wants his child to be passed all the way through high school in return for doing virtually nothing… with plenty of her final transcript reporting solid-A grades to boot! I always wonder what in the world this parent could be thinking. Does he think he’s going to drop off that kid at her college of choice’s doorstep next September and everything that’s wonderful will just fall into place for her? I guess so. To me, it’s a freakish thought process.

Parent Type #4: Encouraging Unrealistic Impossibilities

There are parents who encourage their kids to live in a fantasyland about the level of pif-dream school they can actually crack at admissions time. Hey, let’s pay no attention to those B/C/D grades! It should be pretty clear where general parameters fall, especially if some modicum of individual college counseling is periodically occurring along the way. Some parents just want to complacently sit on the sidelines and watch that egocentric (read young) kid go the whole nine yards and then…what? Fail? How does that outcome help the parent remain in good stead with the child via this cultivated brand of superficial friendship?

I know parents don’t want to stomp all over their kids’ dreams — no loving parent does and neither do I, the person playing the helping role. But if we continue traveling down that path by making ill-advised plays for those too-far-out-of-reach schools, the student’s young and fragile ego is going to get smashed to smithereens. It’s not fun to watch.

These parents can always be counted on to offer up a seemingly reasonable “Well, it couldn’t hurt to apply, right? I mean, you never know…” and I’ve lately taken to retorting “Oh yes, I certainly do know. I’m paid to know.” I attempt to tactfully drive home the guidance within meetings and emails. But without that parental joining me up here in the peanut gallery, I’m placed in danger of being cast in a centerstage supporting role in this family’s dull drama as the Devil In Shoes, the Bad Cop, the Adversary — which isn’t helpful to anyone and this “show” will certainly close.

RELATED: How Many Colleges Should I Apply To? How Many Are Enough?

Parent Type #5: Being the Best Buddy

I eventually conclude that the parent’s through-line is to live his day-to-day existence in his “Sally’s” life as her “bestest” buddy, thereby supporting every preposterous notion about college admissions that rolls out of the adolescent’s not-yet-arrived-on-planet-Earth mind and mouth.

This parent wants little more from me than my donning of a Mona Lisa smile while uttering “Well yes, Sally, go for it! You’re so gifted… you can DO it!” In this scenario, we’re each being set up for a sucker punch. Hmmm…now I can certainly choose to close the curtain on this bad play by hitting Sally right between the eyes with the truth, which in turn will bring forth an even larger river of more tears and resentment as well as further heat from the parent. You know what? Life’s too short. In this sort of drama, it’s more life-preserving to “just play the note,” as old jazzers say.

What’s galling about this parenting style is that I know those far-reach colleges require far too much hyper-focused work for any kid to not get her heart wrapped up in it via the process of creating and delivering what’s required. The sharp sting of an in-kind hyper-selective admission office’s denial is a far worse one next spring when decisions finally roll in the door than the one an upfront reality check would deliver right now.

This parent type doesn’t take such advice too well. Nevertheless it’s vital that he take his kid’s not-so-remarkable stats to heart as well as the icy nature of this particular chosen rite of passage called Selective College Admissions. I wish he could hear me in the best possible light when I tell him that ignorantly playing the numbers never delivers a hit in that highest-end category of schools if the basic game pieces aren’t there. I wish he could hear me when I tell him that kids who are light-years’ better qualified than his child are mercilessly shut out every admissions season. I tell him about the times I’ve held shaking hands of those denied sweet kids who have delivered everything under the sun to garner that desired offer yet didn’t make the cut.

But Dad’s current state of desired “friendship” with his own daughter wins. It’s them against the world and school administrators and teachers are the designated defenders of the adversarial world in that odd fight.

RELATED: What Role Do Extracurricular Activities Play in College Applications?

Why Do It At All?

You may be asking yourself why I care enough to do it on a daily basis. In fact, why do school administrators, counselors, and teachers across the nation put up with this sort of conduct? After all, there are so many other career options that wouldn’t deliver such aggravation. Here’s why. This morning I received the following email from one of my current seniors:

“Hi Anne!

I just had a college meeting/interview with XXXX University and it went amazing!!!
I also submitted all of my early applications!
Just wanted to let you know. :).

Have a good day and thank you!”

That sort of innocent and joyful interaction reaffirms the higher reason why my feet hit the floor early every morning and I get to work. Kids are simply the best. They are all we have. Each of us who is cast in their adult mentor/helper roles tends to honor self-identified higher purposes thus resist the adolescent pull that lives within each of us to be “popular” in the kids’ realm. If we don’t make sound choices on their behalf, they won’t learn. They won’t thrive…and we need them down in the core of our beings.

Adults, let’s try our best to sometimes be adults of the old-fashioned sort when the occasion calls for it…and those occasions constantly present themselves. It’s one of the hardest things to do in life.